Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler

Crucial conversations are those everyday interactions that significantly affect your life.  They differ from ordinary dialogues because the opinions of the participants vary, their emotions are high and the stakes are significant.  The way in which you deal with these important discussions can have a positive or negative result and change the course of your life.  Some examples of crucial conversations include breaking up with a partner, giving your boss feedback or asking for a pay raise.  Often, people shy away from such conversations or handle them poorly.  The best way to deal with these types of situations is to face the conversation and handle it with skill.

The Importance of Talking Earnestly
At the heart of mastering crucial conversations is the ability to engage in dialogue.  Essentially, this means you are able to open an interaction and converse freely with another person.

When two or more people enter into a crucial conversation, they don't share the same thoughts and opinions.   Masters of dialogue create an atmosphere where everyone feels safe about adding his or her own views to the "shared pool" of ideas being expressed.  If someone's ideas seem wrong, step out of line with prevailing beliefs or spark controversy, he or she should feel free to articulate them.  Creating this "Pool of Shared Meaning" enables people to make better choices and decisions, since they have more accurate, relevant input and information.  The process may take time, but the decision will be more valuable.  When people shape the meaning of an event, they are more willing to implement its outcome.  They act faster and with more commitment.  The key to engaging in dialogue in a crucial conversation is building this pool of shared meaning by making it safe for others to open up and express themselves.   Keep your own goals and interests in mind so you can guide the dialogue toward those goals, while also considering what others want.

Know What You Really Want
So how do you master the art of fruitful dialogue?  The first step is to take a long hard look at yourself and your style of conversing.  Start with Heart.  This means making sure you engage in crucial conversations for all the right reasons and concentrating on your goals.

Keep your focus in one of two ways:

First, know exactly what you want.

Second, avoid the Suckers Choice trap.  This occurs when you think you can only choose between two bad options.  However a greater choice is usually available through dialogue if you focus on what you want to achieve.

Learning to Recognize Crucial Conversations
To know when a crucial conversation is looming, you must learn to watch out for signs that your discussion is becoming unhealthy.

Three signs will tell you that it is time to act before the conversation becomes a problem:

1. Your discussion involves high stakes, heightened emotions and differing opinions.
2. People show signs that they feel unsafe.
3. You feel yourself becoming stressed.

Making it Safe

To have an effective dialogue, you need to create an atmosphere where self-expression feels safe for you and your fellow discusser.   Don't hesitate to step away and cool down if things start getting heated.   Don't be afraid to apologize for any action that may have shown contempt and emphasize that you do respect them.

Harnessing Your Emotions

Master your feelings when you are angry, afraid or hurt by following these four steps:

1. See/Hear - Start with the facts as you understand them.
2. Tell a Story - Explain to yourself what is going on.
3. Feel - Experience certain emotions in response to this knowledge
4. Act - Take steps based on your feelings and understandings.

To  gain complete control over your emotions, retrace this path, one step at a time.

Replace stories that trigger negative emotions with positive ones that get you what you want.